I'll be attending alone at your wedding, but I will be consuming cake and champagne for two

Chess says everything about life: the King had to take things one step at the time while the Queen can do whatever she wants

Th best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.

Whenever someone calls me ugly, I feel sad and hug them 'cause I know that life is really hard for the visually impaired

Oww, is this the part where I care about what you think of me?

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

My ex boyfriends facebook status said 'Suicidal and standing on the edge.' ...So I poked him.

When I was younger I always draw the sun in the corner of the paper

Welcome in our world: you will be judged on what you like, wear, on how you act and what you say... Enjoy your stay

The awkward moment when your sarcasm isn't understood in a text...

There are two types of people in this world, people who masturbate and liars.

When someone gives you food out of nowhere, the first thing you say is, 'What did you do to it?'

I am jealous of my parents because I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs

When I was a kid, 'you're not invited to my party' was the biggest insult

I don't care what you think - unless you think I am great, in that case you're right

I didn't slap you, I just simply high-fived your face... ;)

Pretty Girls Turn Heads... Me & My Girls Break Necks!!

Everytime someone dies in a movie I stare at their chest and watch for breathing

You have to sit by the side of a river a very long time before a roast duck will fly into your mouth

Dear guys, being a dick doesn't make yours bigger

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

We call our language the mother tongue because our father seldom gots to speak

Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you

Open a pack of gum, and suddenly everyone is your bestfriend.

BRB = I don't want to talk to you. LOL = I have nothing else to say. Cool.. = I don't care.

Google is the brain I never had

Boys are like lava lamps; fun to look at, but not all that bright

Girls are superheroes. Who else could bleed for a week without dying..

I'm confused! ... Wait! No! Maybe I'm not.

I would prove I'm a wizard, but I can't use magic outside of Hogwarts, sorry.

I'm Not Lazy.... I Just Rest Before I Get Tired! :p

Ladies First Is Just A Nice Way Of Saying: Let Me Take A Look At Your Ass While You Walk In Front Of Me!:p

Keep Your Drink, Just Give Me The Money

*Rihanna in 2008* "I don't wanna be a murderer" *Rihanna in 2011* "I just shot a man down.."

Hate Monday • Annoy Tuesday • Ignore Wednesday • Smile Thursday • Love Friday • Enjoy Saturday • Damn Sunday

3 words, 8 letters. Say it and I'm yours. "I got food."

Fake tan, fake nails, fake boobs... Girl, are you sure you aren't made in China? ||

Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again-

I hate it when you walk outside and a girafe kicks you in the balls

The nervous feeling you get when you press the send button on a risky text.